...but the movie kinda sucks

I know this is a bit of a late review but for some reason it took a while to get a good torrent of it, here goes:

Spiderman 2 is the latest offering from Sam "Way fucking overrated" Raimi and his brother, writer Ted "Happy Nepotism Day" Raimi. Spiderman 2 sucks ass. What a horrible movie, I cannot believe this thing got good reviews, nearly every aspect of it falls totally flat, from the action scenes to the plot to the script it's all just awful.

Ok so, Dr. Otto Octobvious has developed a way to control nuclear fusion so the reaction doesn’t get away (funny, I thought the problem with fusion on earth was too little power return not too much). He decides to demonstrate this in front of a room full of unprotected visitors and reporters (ooooo, I bet something bad will happen). Apparently the problem with fusion was not enough arms… luckily the Doctor has four extra arms that strap on when needed to "control the fusion reaction" (How do they do this? Who knows!). Now at this point you must all be worried about his higher brain function with those arms strapped on (I know I was), luckily a perfectly placed reporter asks this very question, the Doctor kindly explains that his "Neural Inhibitor Chip" protects higher brain function while wearing the arms (Phew, I guess he's safe then). The Doctor also randomly volunteers the fact that that arms are not affected by magnetism (Anyone see a big magnet coming? I know I do!). The doctor starts the reactor and… it gets out of hand! And it turns into…. A BIG MAGNET! (shocker) which destroys the Doctors' inhibitor chip and of course renders him insane (the logic here is air-tight). People get killed, Spiderman jumps in, that's about it.

Now the Doc is nice enough to have a big conversation with himself to fill us stupid viewers in on what he plans to do, I mean seriously read this, it's the funniest part in the movie:

Doc Ock : My Rosie's dead. My dream is dead.
Doc Ock : And these... monstrous things should be at the bottom of the river... along with me.
Doc Ock : Something... in my head. Something talking... The inhibitor chip!
[He turns to find the chip destroyed]
Doc Ock : Gone.
Doc Ock : [arms click and whir] Rebuild? No. Peter was right. I miscalculated.
Doc Ock : [Ock whirls, madness setting in] I couldn't have miscalculated. It was working, wasn't it?
[arms click and whir]
Doc Ock : Yes. We can rebuild. Enlarge the containment field. Make it bigger and stronger than ever! But we need money.
[arms click and whir]
Doc Ock : Steal it? No, no, no, I'm not a criminal.
[arms click and whir]
Doc Ock : That's right... the real crime would be not to finish what we started.
Doc Ock : [arms carry him into his hideout] We'll do it here. The power of the sun in the palm of my hand.
[arms lift him high]
Doc Ock : Nothing will stand in our way! NOTHING!


So now Doc Ock goes on a rampage collecting money to build a bigger reactor to help mankind (???). As he is never shown actually building this bigger reactor I assume he just picked it up at his local Bigger Fusion Reactor Depot. Spiderman doesn’t do much to stop him because he's lost his powers (How? Who the fuck knows, wait I know; because it's what is needed at this point in the movie) after a while he gets his powers back (Why? Because it's almost time to wrap up this piece of shit movie).

The comic relief scene of Spidey taking the elevator down because his webs aren't working is also wrong and clunky, at this point only his webs are affected yet he takes the elevator down from the roof of a building rather than any of ten other ways he could have gotten down with the remainder of his powers. (Why? Because it was time for the funny scene so logic be damned!)

Another scene that makes no sense is when Doc Ock dangles Harry Osbourne off the balcony of his penthouse and demands more Tritium (ok, now I'm cracking open my Chem textbooks..) Harry, proving his great head for business, agrees to supply the Tritium rather than die (Hey, Bigger Fusion Reactor Depot can't carry everything) so Doc sets his back down, at which point he demands Spiderman in return for the Tritium, now in the real world this would be the point where Doc holds Harry back over the edge and says 'Now, where were we?' but instead of that he says 'Okie Doke, you want fries with that?'

In their big fight scene Spidey appear to use exactly the same fighting techniques that did absolutely nothing to the Doc before only now they knock the piss out of him (Why? Because it's what the lazy ass writers needed to have happen at this point). He stops the Doc but not before the Doc starts the Even Bigger Reactor, once he is beaten the Doc goes back to being sane and helps Spidey stop the reaction by dropping the reactor in the river (Ok… let me just crack open my high school copy of Fusion 101 here…) which stops the reactor without so much as a spec of steam or any other apparent effects.

The physics of the fight scenes and Spidey's movements/swinging doesn’t ring true either and constantly pulled me out of the movie. When he's falling his webs take time to shoot and reach a surface and they are bungee-springy, when he is swinging however his webs shoot out to the rooftops instantly and are taut. I also watched 'I, Robot' this weekend and while it had it's flaws as well the action sequences used physics in a much more consistent and believable way. Watch the fight scenes from both movies back to back and try to tell me Spiderman's are better, or even good. The CG of Spidey's movements is just as bad as in the first film too, he still moves and looks like a cartoon rubber-man inserted into the picture Roger Rabbit style.

Spiderman's powers at least make sense and are consistent, Doc Ock's aren't; exactly how do these arms make him super-strong? Spidey punches him in the face 20 times and does no damage. They're just arms, why doesn't someone just shoot him and we can all go home?

The romantic subplot is actually better than the rest of the movie but not by much, here a sampling of Mary Jane talking to her new fiance:

Mary Jane Watson : Could you lean your head back for me?
John Jameson : Sure...
[Leans his head back. M.J gives him an upside down kiss]
John Jameson : Wow... I'm back on the moon
[looks up at M.J]
John Jameson : You up there with me?

Who the fuck talks like this? And since when do 18 year old snots go to the moon? Who's this guy supposed to be, Lance Bass?

I should add here that I LOVE COMICS and I liked the first movie quite a bit… so it's not like I just hate action movies or anything like that.

Also a special thanks to the REAL Parker for noticing all the shit I didn't.