The Pen Test (and what they would be if they were cars)

1. Staedtler - Cool Roller (rollerball, Blue) - got to hand it to those Germans, they make a fine pen. If two world wars are the price you have to pay for this fine a pen then I say it was worth it. This new one is quite comfortable, writes well and is a pretty fine tip, it doesn't say the size but it feels like a .5 or less. (UPDATE: It's a .25mm) The barrel is also thin, I prefer a thin pen so this is a good thing (props to you Martha!). This is the Porsche of cheap, disposable office pens for sure!

Holdability - 24/25 - Very comfortable

Writeability - 25/25 - The best I've used, the ink is thin and constant and it rarely blots

Smearabilty - 20/25 - The Achilles heel of gel pens, this one isn't bad at all

Design - 25/25 - I could go on and on, the pen is simple, light, smooth, thin, the cap clips firmly on.

Final score - 94%


2. Pilot - Hi-Tecpoint V5 Extra Fine (rollerball type, Black) - These pens have been around for a while and are truly great writing instruments, they are TRUE Extra Fine tips (.3mm) and they make that pleasant scratchy-scratch sound that so many people like, (even those who don't realize that they do). The Pilot gets extra point for being available in so many colours; black, blue, light blue, pink (I have a friend who uses nothing but the pink ones at work, has a big box of them, only in pink , on his desk) green, red, aubergene (ok, no aubergene, but they're working on it, trust me) models that come in lots of colours are often crappy, I don't know why, it's just the way it is, this one is such a pleasant exception to that thay I can even forgive it's stupid model name…oooooooooo so high-tech! A Volvo of pens if I ever did see one.

Holdability - 23/25 - Almost as good as the Staedtler

Writeability - 24/25 - Love that scratch sound

Smearability - 22/25 - very good

Design - 19/25 - Super simple, a bit ugly but gets points for the entire pen casing being the colour of that pen's ink.

Final score - 88%


3. Uniball - Vision Micro (rollerball, Blue) - this is one of Uniball's new style rollerballs that isn't like older rollerballs, it writes more like a gel which is good cause I don't really like ballpoints. It's retro-faded blue colour is also kinda cool. You wanna blow somebody away with simplicity then this is your pen. A Jag (pree-Ford days) of a pen.

Holdability - 22/25 - the top three are similar in design

Writeability - 22/25 - a very nice writer

Smearability - 21/25 - not bad at all

Design - 22/25 - love those art-deco touches

Final score - 87%


4. Papermate - Liquid Expresso Xtra Fine (felt-tip, Red) - Expresso get it? EXPRESSo, BRAHAHAHAHAHA, Goddammit that is clever. It says "Xtra Fine Tip" but it's not, it's actually rather a chunky tip, writes well and fast but is a bit prone to blotting. The pen's barrel is also too thick… this is nearly a good pen but not quite. Umm... Dodge Neon, but in a good way. (UPDATE: Being a felt tip I should add that if you leave the cap off for a couple hours you can toss the pen in the trash as the tip dries out.)

Holdability - 15/25 - too fat

Writeability - 20/25 a nice thick line but prone to a bit of blotting and unevenness

Smearability - 17/25 not too good

Design - 18/25 too cartoony

Final score - 70%


5. GT - Roundedge Ultra Fine (gel type, Blue) - I don't know who actually makes this pen, it's the stealth model for sure. (UPDATE: It's Grand and Toy's house brand) A pretty standard but good gel type pen, a bit of a fade problem but not too bad, there are better gels out there but this one will do in a pinch and is a pretty smooth writer. If this pen were a car; Sunbeam Tiger.

Holdability - 18/25 thin, not bad

Writeability - 15/25 a little wimpy

Smearability - 23/25 the best gel so far

Design - 20/25 simple, putty coloured, almost militant in it's simplicity

Final score - 76% (I know this beats the Papermate's score but due to some intangibles I like this one less)


6. Papermate - Comfortmate (graphite tip, grey) - Graphite tip you say? Umm.. Yeah.. It's a great pen, really useful, writes upside down….OK OK it's a fucking pencil now take those bamboo shoots out from under my fingernails. The Comfortmate is your standard refillable pencil (which I usually hate) but it has a few things going for it, the barrel is thin and nicely grippy, they have adjusted the tip to reduce the usual "infinite snapping of the leads" problem and the Comfortmate has a good eraser. Toyota Camry, in both the good and the bad ways.

Holdability - 18/25 thin and pretty grippy

Writeability - 14/25 it's a pencil so…

Smearability - 24/25 - it's a pencil so...

Design - 15/25 - kinda ugly but good eraser

Final score - 71%



Sucky Pens

1. Zebra - Jimnie RB-100 Fine (ballpoint, Black) - Aside from the best name of the bunch the Jimnie doesn't have a lot doing for it, it has one of those stupid rounded grippy sections at the end which is actually smoother than the rest of the barrel. The Jimnie doesn't really write that badly, for a ballpoint but it's holdability is so poor it gets knocked to the Sucky Pens list. As a car? Some Malaysian piece of shit with way too much stuff onit.

Holdability - 5/25 truly horrid

Writeability - 18/25

Smearability - 20/25 not great for a ballpoint

Design - 10/25 ugly

Final score - 53%


2. Pentel - RSVP BK90 Fine (ballpoint, Red) - The Pentel RSVP BK90 (why do the sucky pens all have cooler names than the good pens?) has the same grippy problem as the Zebra but worse, which I didn't think was possible PLUS it's ink is faded, pinky and ugly. Buick, easy.

Holdability - 3/25 worse than the Zebra, and that's tough to do

Writeability - 10/25

Smearability - 20/25 actually it's smear factor was perfect but it's not really a fair test when it deposits next to no ink

Design - 8/25

Final score - 41%


3. Bic - Atlantis .07 (pencil, grey) - Ah Bic, the bane of my handwriting existance. The Atlantis is as sucky as most Bic pens with the added plus that it's a pencil. It features the stupid grippy part at the end which, while it IS actually grippy, is shapped wrong and pushes the pencil up into your palm. The Bic also has a little cap on it's shitty eraser which get sthe inagural Part Most Likely To Be Lost award, the pencil actually writes ok but come on, it's a Bic. Any car I hate.

Holdability - 16/25

Writeability - 13/25

Smearability - 17/25

Design - 12/25

Final score - 58%


4. Papermate - Write Brothers (ballpoint, Blue) - Ugly old fashioned spotty ballpoint ink and a barrel that is WAY too slippery for it's thinness, yuck. And that stupid name. Chevy Lumina, so powerfully underwhelming.

Holdability - 6/25

Writeability - 23/25 ok, this ones rolld very smoothly

Smearability - 21/25

Design - 8/25

Final score - 58%